Drawing the Line in the Sand: Boundary Setting (Part 3)
One of the most difficult parts of setting boundaries for most is to actually say “no” and turn down requests. This is difficult because it can bring up feelings of guilt and perhaps inadequacy or the fear of hurting others’ feelings. It can be difficult to say “no” because you believe you are ‘not allowed to’ or that you do not want to take responsibility for the result of saying no. Usually, in my mind, there is a fear of “what if they get mad or upset?”
Some things to consider in saying “no” include:
– Waiting for the question or request from another person
– Not answering until you have decided your position on the request. You might want to say “let me think about that and I’ll get back to you”
– Using clear language. Instead of saying “maybe, it’s possible ..” say “No, I can’t do that”
– Limiting apologies unless if it’s necessary, because “sorry” holds less value if you use it too often
– Don’t make excuses or defend yourself as it may result in others offering solutions to the barriers you’re proposing and then you can find yourself in a spiral of lies
– Saying “no” without asking for permission or acceptance since it’s your right to say “no” to requests
– Accepting the consequences since the person on the receiving end may not like it and show it. They’re allowed to feel what they feel just as much as you are allowed to say “no” to their request
Now that have identified items to consider, here are a few examples ways you can say “no”:
– “No, thank you”
– “I have a policy of not making impulsive decisions. I need time to think about this before”
– “I appreciate that you’re asking me this. However, I am not able to help you with that”
– “This seems really important for you. At the moment, I don’t have the ability to put the attention into this as you will need, so I have to say no”
– “I can’t say yes at this time”
– “I don’t want to commit and then disappoint you”
– “I’d love to help; however, I’m feeling overextended and cannot provide what you need”
It can be helpful to practice this on people who you feel safe and close to before trying this in situations and with people you might find saying “no” to be more challenging with.
